Givin' me my reminders

Good Morning Dear Internet. It's cool and breezy here this am, slightly overcast, and if I did not know better, I would think that fall is on it's way. I know its only temporary relief from the summer heat, but it is so welcome.

Maybe with the weather, I woke up contemplative. Maybe it's the 21 day purging cycle I am in after my first Reiki atunement.... maybe both. All I know is things are flittering around in here, and I want to let some out.

For whatever reason, I decided to go back through my archives and read/remind myself of where I have come from to be here today. I want to say thank you again to all of you for listening, supporting, helping out, and in general, just holding my hand through everything. Every happy and sad thing that has happened in my life, that I have put out here to share/vent about while becoming a mother, moving across the country, living and moving forward, you have supported me.

I am on an interesting road these days, through therapy, reiki, love and trust I am finding a new way. Maybe I am finding what I always knew was there, and i am listening. Either way, for the first time in a long time I feel a blooming. I have begun to recognize choices that were made, best at the time, how they added stress and hardship to an already hard situation. Fer and I are finding ourselves again, and realizing that this is FUN. This life that is happening, ready or not.... we keep rollin, and its good. I can see how not to withdraw, retreat, seclude and deny what is difficult... it only makes it more so. I am letting go of a lot of things I thought I needed to feel safe, for safety is not realized by fear, and things are moving forward.

I am starting to feel the first pangs of wanting to have another child. My mom told me once that you have your first child to have it, and the second to do it right, and I can see now, how accurate that is. I mean, parenting in general seems like guesswork at best on a good day, but now that Elliott is 2, and my baby is becoming a child, I see how fast 2 years flies by, and how little things that threw me in the beginning would not be as daunting now because you begin to realize that everything really will be ok. And it is.

I see photos of us, when she was a bundle, and remember how I thought fairly often that I was going to fail at this job. That I was going to let her down. And now I realize, that I may. I may let her down, at some point in her life. But, I know I won't mean to, if I do. And I know that living in fear of that is worse than just learning to accept myself, try my hardest and know that I love Elliott at least as much as my mom loves me, and with that, we can do anything.

So I want to see, I want to see how different choices and learning from past pitfalls, could make a difference the second time around. Not a difference in the kid mind you.... but a difference in my experience of it all. And believe it or not, the hardcore truth is I want to experience delivery again. I'm not saying anytime soon. I am just saying that this morning I woke up, and the notion was there, accepted and welcome in my mind. We'll see where we go from here.

In Other News:
A day early (8/12):
Happy Birthday Mom. I know you won't read this on the weekend. I love you. Thanks for teaching me everything I know and always being here to share in it, good and bad. I know I am too independent for my own good, and i am starting to come back around. Thanks for always waiting for me.
xoxoxoxo
gayle