long lost internet posts vol 2

oct 31, 2007

Aaaaawwwww Shit

Current mood:indifferent

Good day to you and Happy Halloween.

Last night I had one of those nights where it all seemed to have gone terribly wrong. Somewhere within the twilight began an emotional rollercoaster that I don't remember purchasing tickets for. The Child was throwing tantrum after ungodly tanrum, full body throwing on the floor, hands flailing and the like. They would not end. And I have no clue where they were coming from, so there was nothing I could do but walk away. Thats the smart thing, right? Cuz last time I checked, you're still not supposed to shake the shit out of them.

However, I was Saved by a Friend, some music, a Sister and escape.... the night turned itself around. Became enjoyable. I came home to a beautiful, sleeping child. And I woke this a.m. thinking, today, today will be better. All is erased, and we have started over. Awesome.

And then I got in a car accident.

8:40am, kid melting down in the backseat about the sun in her eyes, I slammed into the car infront of me. Word up. Thanks Halloween. Thanks Mercury in Retrograde. Thanks to my 1/2caffinated self for not paying close enough attention.

The last time I felt this way was 10 years ago, the morning of my 20th birthday, when i rear-ended someone after sliding on black ice. The night before I had died my hair hot pink, as the last hurrah for my "teenage" years and hated it. I ended up with 1/4in shaved head & raw scalp from trying to wash it all out. I got all fucked up from not wearing my seatbelt and the first person to wish me happy birthday was the cop as he handed me back my license & my ticket. He also happened to be my mother's former high school boyfriend. Thank you small town & good times.

So, thats it for me today. No one is injured this time, the car is being repaired as we speak, and I am keep my lunch date with an old friend.

So, I hope your Halloween is better, I hope on this last day of Mercury in Retrograde you can escape unscathed. Tomorrow.... tomorrow is yet another day, but I'm gonna see if I can't get out there and keep THIS DAY from kicking my ass on PRINCIPLE.

-over and out-

feb 12, 2008

31 Bitches!

Current mood:adventurous

I don't know what's happened to me.... but for forever and a day i have greatly disliked my birthday. Not in the, "I hate my birthday.... (wish me happy birthday)" kinda way, but in the all out, acting out, somwhat rage-filled, antsy disgust kinda way. And I know that bothers people, i get that. But whatever, for the most part its just another day anyway, and whats in a number blah blah blah.

And then last year, I could feel my excitement brewing months before the big day. Some people freak out at the mere thought of getting older, and I looked 30 in the face and was never happier. I have never felt better (for the most part) and really feel like I am finally coming into my own.

So here we are, on the eve of 31, and again.... things feel good. I am not trying to skip out on a party, or ignore plans that are arising.... I feel GOOD. And this time, I AM getting tattooed again. Last year never came to fruition with the move and all, but i am in the throws of actively pursuing an artist and we will be off and running.

Oh, and did I mention its been 43 days since I had a drink? Or that I have been going to the gym 6 days a week for the past 5 weeks? We'll see where this leads me.....

Clarity.... its interesting.
-over and out-

long lost internet postings

So, its not super amusing, or insightful, but i totally spaced on still having a myspace profile (can you believe it?!?!?) and after taking quite some time to come up with the correct email/password combo so i could go in and delete it, i had forgotten that i had taken to blogging there rather than here. SO, for the sake of keeping my bizzaro thoughts in once place so that when i am feeble minded and in a nursing home i can have some memory of what my life was like on the "outside" and in my youth, i am adding those posts here. Not that they are worth it. I just have a hard time deleting the written word and letting it all slip into the ether. hmmmmm

jan 12, 2007

This is my confession angel, lets not make too much about it

Current mood:amused

never thought I'd use this... one blog is already too much for me to handle. But here I go...

My memories are totally controlled by music... while packing today, i picked up congregation by the whigs and thru it in. Its been awhile since last listen, and the fucking floodgates opened.....memories of where i was, how I got this album and what my life was like at the time started rushing back..... Barely 16, and my waaaaaayyy too old for me, cradle-robbing boyfriend of 28, gave me this album after previously putting the most suggestive songs on a mix tape. Now, its true, he was old enough to know better... I was just dumb enough not to care... What I couldnt see then, I saw in time... but this album started my now 14 year-strong love affair with any music Greg Dulli puts out. I own it all, love it all, and have one hell of a sordid situation to thank for getting it to me.

aahh the memories.

jan 24, 2007

even when its empty

Current mood:thoughtful

Yesterday I filled in one of my fav clients that I'm moving, and I got the best compliment....

He said he's bummed because I am one of the only people he knows who always tries to see the "glass as half-full." He followed that with: "Even when the glass is empty, I bet you still see it as half-full." And then he tipped me 50bucks. Now that's hot.

I like being veiwed as optimistic, because in all honesty, that's more of who I am.... how I want to be. There are a million patterns of behavior that are so worth breaking, and all I know is I'm gonna try my best.

These days my darkness is much more quiet and still. It resides in the gentle pauses, moments in between..... lurking, mysterious. Bringing comfort, yet safer when its caged.

I never claimed I wanted things to be easy. I guess we all get our wish.

jan 26, 2007

Peer Pressure

Current mood:bouncy

Just fer cuz.... Because I can, and I know it will make you laugh. Because I know I drive you nuts and you let me. And because you give up and let me win.... THANKS FOR:

~ making turning 30 seem like 19 again (but without all the drama)
~ being just crazy enough. You know, to keep up with me, not get arrested, bring me outta my shell
~ this is the only time I will admit this: for stealing that notebook in chem. and starting all this.
~ getting our nails did & cornrows at rolling acres
~ giving in and liking The Afghan Whigs. could you even imagine what the last 10 years would have been like without that? fer realz
~New Orleans, pan handling, camel wide lights, and taking a sober ride from a drunk cabdriver to avoid crackhead bob. you know... GOOD TIMES.
~ always having my back, and never judging me....even when i am being totally fucking insane
~ not minding too much when i stopped drinking gin
~ figuring out how to make me eat
~ never holding a grudge
~ making me steal that jacket. I both love and hate that night, and drunk as I was will never forget it as long as i live.
~ getting me to tweeze my eyebrows. SERIOUSLY, that was some scary ass shit
~ joining me on just about every music adventure. except Hamell on Trial. And I will give you that because sometimes, sometimes even I am just smart enough to know when you won't budge
~ Shoes for Pants, peepee pants, AND not hating me when i (still) think its so funny i tell everyone and laugh till i cry. (Poor Uncle, how could he even stand us on that trip?!?!).
~ joining myspace so I can have yet one more way to bug the living shit out of you till we are so old our arthritis keeps the keys from clicking.

and last but certainly not least... taking the baby bet. If that's not the truest test of BFF, I don't know what the f is.

Welcome to the internet. ;-)

march 7 2007

Keepin it real.... Real Crazy.

Current mood:determined

Its 7am and I just tricked my kid into going back to sleep. Hopefully it will work for a few extra minutes or I fear I may never blog again. I will admit it.... moving is insane! Why have I not chosen easy moves in my life? Why does it always have to be well over a few hundred miles minimum for me to feel like its all been worth it?

And don't even get me started on how weird it feels having moved back to my hometown after all this time. I see people all over, and I think they look like people I used to know back in LA or Chicago. And we are now under yet another blanket of snow... looks like somewhere around 4 in, and what I wouldn't give for some balmy weather and palm trees. Blah.

Moving into an old drafty crazy house brings its own joys and miseries, and last week had me at the threshold of hell somwhere around my 30th trip to the hardware store, thankgod for What?!? coming in town and explaining all this shit to me I would have needed a vacation. You know, in the Bin. Home improvement and seasonal depression mixes not. So rather than medicating with alcohol, which I would normally resort to, I chose sugar, and somehow still managed to act like a crackhead and lose 4lbs. Who knows how these things happen, but they do.

Evreything seems somewhat back to normal, or at least my bedroom is now unpacked and I can find clean clothes. No more excuses as to why I wasn't bothering to take a shower for a few days there. Whoops! And I decided that while Mercury is ending its retrograde I will abstain from any home improvement projects... at least until the special order screws are in for the door. Who knew 3in wood doors aren't made anymore, neither is the hardware to fit them? I do now.

Now I have to decide how I am going to shovel out all this snow so I can get the kid to the sitters and make my meeting to hammer out all the details of my new job. Important details... like money and when my benefits kick in, so my husband can quit his freaking job and live with us full-time.

Easy is NOT my middle name.

Silence is Golden

Wanna know how I know? I never have it. Ever. Someone is always talking to me, yelling at me, needing something, looking for something. Its absolutely constant from the moment feet hit the floor in the morning to the moment I tuck them into bed at night. I cannot formulate a thought of my own, complete a sentence or make a phone call without immediate interruption. At the moment of this writing I have been interrupted no less than 5 times and I haven't even completed 5 sentences AND only 1 of my children is currently awake.

Do you understand where I am coming from?

Imagine that every day, all day, someone wanted/needed something from you. their shit, a conversation, food, drink, clothes, etc. And every moment you turned around to start helping, responding etc, the next thing is being thrown at you as well. Where would your brain be by the end of the day?

that's what i thought.

My question is... how the hell can you get some peace and quiet along the way? Oh yeah, i tried engaging them. We went outside this morning and played in the playhouse, rode bikes, painted AND played with play-dough. And you know its serious when i break out the play dough because I hate that stuff. its disgusting. from the texture to the smell to the way it hides under your nails, its revolting. But i did it. I acted like the parent and I put aside my distaste and played with it to make the kids happy......

so who is gonna sacrifice for the next round? Because I covered all that before lunch time and I got nothin left now. And lunch prep? I had been asked for 2 days to make hummus. So today for lunch, I make hummus. Cut veggies. Super healthy right? Lunch looks lovely, and they screamed and yelled and beat doors and called for DAAAAAAADDDYYYYYYY! the whole time, and yet I kept my shit together and did not give up and just throw some hotdogs on a plate with some ketchup as their "vegetable"... no... I made it all. from scratch. took less than 1/2 hour to get it all together and on the table.....

"did you put pepper in the hummus? It seems spicy to me."

"momma, do you know how i like to eat my hummus? just a little tiny dab on just a few of my carrots."

"hummus is good sometimes. like when you make those hummus sandwiches with the cucumbers and cheese and stuff? I like that."

So, I did what any reasonable parent in my situation would do. I sent a text to my work at home husband that said: please come down right now and sit with your kids while they eat lunch. I must go walk around the block RIGHT NOW.

because at that moment, i was running the risk of having my kids watch me smash the bowl of lovingly made hummus on the kitchen floor, punch myself in the face, and walk out the door with no idea as to how or when i might return.

ya feel me? anyone? no?

ok, I guess its just me then. Oh well.

In other news:

I've made some new friends up in the hood, and tonight we are getting our kids together to play while we sit around and have adult conversation. Can you believe it?!?!?! YEA!

-over and out-

You wanna know about Vomit? I gotcha, covered in it...

Carter Clan family vacation, June/July 2010:

Here's the trip in numbers so far:

Its week 1 of 2 1/2, and we have had nothing but insanity and barfing so far. Tomorrow we will embark on a road trip to San Jose/San Fran for the July 4th weekend, and it will be interesting to see how these barfing adventures continue to develop.

~ 1 trip to the Dr (FJ) for a severe fever & rash that turned out to be a virus. Thank god we maintained a friendship with the Dr that delivered Elliott, because what do you do in situations like that on vacation? Go to the hospital? good lord, that sounds AWESOME, sign me up.
~2 kids that get carsick, and the virus that included vomiting equals:
~5, the number of times Kris has been barfed on. And all i know is: I am super good at cleaning up vomit. however, barf ON me and watch my head explode. So he had to take a few for the team... well..... I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess for right now, maybe we are even. LOL
~ 6, the number of barfing adventures so far. Elliott can only be blamed for 1 of them, as we stopped and got her out of the car in time to prevent an additional 3 other episodes thus far. I am not even sure I have enough barf bags to cover us for the rate of vomit happening around here. I swiped every barf bag in reach on both flights it took for us to reach this destination, and i am thinking I may have to try and raid a plane when i take the rental car back to the airport next week. This is insane... do they sell barf bags to the general public? Oh excuse me, Personal Sickness Bag. That better?

All in all, despite all the scrambling for little white airline sickness bags like a frantic crack addict searching for that last little white rock, this trip so far has been, (dare I say it) relaxing, and I actually feel like I am on vacation. At moments I wonder why i moved from here in the 1st place, and then I see the reminders of a few thousand too many people living in this city, and I hit mid-afternoon traffic that equals the level of the Akron-Cleveland rush hour commute and I think..... ahhhhh. Riiight. Painful. And more barfing.

Seriously, if I lived here with kids I would literally NEVER be able to go anywhere unless we drove there at 1pm, returned home at 9pm and NEVER HAD TO TAKE THE 405.

In Other News:

Quite a few people have been asking me about this blog, if I still write, what I am going to do with all this. And I think yesterday, with the help of the brainstorming of my super gal-pal Jayka, and my home girl Yucca, I have a plan. And the plan may include a book. And that book may, most likely be titled: I Will Not Harm You, But I Will Harm Everything That Brings You Comfort.

Because, while navigating this thing called parenting, it's always helpful to be just crazy enough. Am I right? LOL.

Would YOU buy it?

The Winds of Change

Its 2010. I know, what the hell? is exactly what I thought too. Followed quickly by: And mid-March already? Girl, what the hell have you been doing?!?!

Um, staying alive? With a little itty bit of my sanity? This winter has been the roughest yet of all the midwest winters since moving in 2004. The cold, the snow, the hardships. I look in the mirror and I see new lines on my face, a little more rough around the edges... a little more character. And then Spring arrives, and poof, all the weight is lifted, takes flight. maybe this weight was a gift, like i had to see what I could lift.... and so i think to myself, with all this changing rapidly, What was I so bent out of shape for? Who knows and who cares, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and its all arriving right on time.

And then I realized, everything is always right on time if you show up. Who knew?

Life's constantly in motion, and i know not where your path will take you. Most days I barely know where mine is leading, I just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and hoping for mostly solid ground.

And speaking of solid ground, this is the year that we are tearing the shit up outta this yard, and making our own garden, our little bit of city land is gonna be all shaped up and exactly what we were lookin for.

There is excitement around every corner these days.... spring, summer, vacations, new landscaping, family, friends, food, laughter.... and I am just gonna ride this tidal wave and bask in the glory of it all....

and on the days like today, where it went a little to the cold side, and the spring rain is rushing down, there's always tanning and my ipod to get me through. Because no matter what, I'm on the other side.....

--over and out-

Gettin it done...

Tonight there was a laundry list of things to do for the impending holiday.... laundry, cleaning, organizing, finding recipes, baking cookies, and then I wanted to color my hair. You know, gotta have a fresh 'do in all those fine holiday photos I know my mother will be taking. ;) (j/k, ya know i love ya ma).

Anywhoo.... I was in the bathroom getting the needed hair coloring accessories together, Frankie being freshly put to bed. Fer & Elliott were just settling in to watch Elle's newly acquired Muppet Movie (courtesy of margie!) and little miss franklin mint carter started to have a glorious meltdown. Kris and Elliott heard said meltdown on the monitor and I could hear Elle's stompy-stomp feet (which she inherited from her father) on the stairs.....

Does she rush into her sister's room to assess the situation and aide her in drifting off to a good night's sleep? Not a chance! She throws open the bathroom door and shouts:

"Mommy! I found this pom (pacifer) downstairs! Daddy said I could bring it up to Frankie and give it to her so she can sleep! It is THE GREATEST BIG GIRL THING I HAVE EVER DONE SO FAR!"

and off she went.

Did Frankie calm down and fall asleep soundly after the visit from her sister? I think not. I went in to see what the problem was and Elle had left the nightlight on, which is an absolute no-no if you want FJ to EVER fall asleep. Kris meets me upstairs, hip to the nightlight situation from elle, who apparently "couldn't turn the light out, Frankie would be too scared of the dark."

That first born I have?... that is one freaking tender-hearted little kid. She must get that from her father.

In other news:
1 mister Ed Hamell aka Hamell on Trial was here all weekend... hanging, recording.... regrouping. I have a million things i could tell you about from the weekend, but I need to gather my thoughts to do so, and frankly, these Brandy Alexanders Wayne sent to us have those thoughts a little foggy right about now, so I'll get back at'cha.

-over and out-

On a wing and a prayer...

Somehow it seems that's how it all comes together. Right? I know its super douche-y of me to boil it all down to a Bon Jovi lyric, but really, I guess sometimes it's all ya got.

Because of this, I am super happy this holiday season. I am grateful, delighted, and in love with just about everything and everyone around me. And when I'm not, I am gonna try and find another way to look at it and see if there's a glimmer left in there to turn the tables and get on the "Yea train".

I know it's hard, and I know it's a departure from the usual grumpy-pants nay-saying that tends to come outta my mouth. And sometimes it's funny, and sometimes I like being that person... the snarky one... but this time around? This year? Nah, that's not for me.

See these cycles? I'm breakin' 'em. That however does not mean that you won't find me head first into a glass of wine these days, not in the bottle mind you, but yes, I will take a nip, just to take the edge off. 'Cause after this year, if that's what I got, so be it. I could feel guilty, but it boils down to the fact that, well, this time I don't.

2010 is gonna be better. good things are afloat. there's love all around. And this year? This year we are gonna go on a VACATION. I don't know what, I don't know when, I don't know how, but so help me god, we are gonna go on a kid-free, beach loving, sand and swimming, sleep in late VACATION.

And if that can't put a smile on my face, nothing will.

In Other News:
General Hospital is just soooooooo original in their naming of characters... in case you didn't notice, the guest starring role of sociopath/serial killer/artist FRANCO is being played by none other than James Franco. just to make sure all you house wives that don't get out to see movies can properly google image search the correct actor and see how GH is blowing all your other daytime soaps outta the water. Maybe James Franco is teaming up with Tracy Jordan and they're in a race to see who can EGOT first. LMAO.

-over and out-

Little bup-bup....

Oh little miss Frankie Jane. You turn 1 year old today. I can't honestly believe that it was only 1 short year ago that I was sitting in the hospital, holding you in my arms, and worrying about how your sister was taking to all this. You, whose labor was a piece of cake overall, which is no small thing for going at it without any drugs... who came into this world so quiet, and then, when you were ready, let out an earsplitting scream.... which you use to your advantage to this day. You, who came in matching your sister, pound for pound and inch for inch, 7 days overdue... just to insure you were not to be outdone by your big sister. Already so new and so demanding. You, with the 4 months of colic, which threw me for a loop, I won't lie, and at times made me question my ability to even be a parent.... this year has seemed so short, and yet so long. So many things have happened, and so many things have stayed the same. And that is what you will spend the rest of your life learning... so many new things happen, so many stay the same.

You are so feisty, so full of fire. Quick to laugh and quick to cry, always wanting your way in between. Already knowing that your sister is trying to get one up on you, and already figuring out how to make it all work to your advantage.

And walking. Almost running, just to keep up with what's going on, where everyone else is going.
No doubt you will spend a lifetime doing this exact same thing, and I will try and be there to pick you up when you fall, just like I am now.

Frankie Jane, Frankenfurter, Franklin Mint, little bup-bup, bubbie.... its no wonder you never answer to your name, we have so many for you, but all they mean is: LOVE.

Happy Birthday Little One.
Love,
Mama