Guilty as charged

November 2009: Elliott Rose & Frankie Jane, in their matching Big Sister, Little Sister pjs.

So, 2009 has been what I would like to call "A banner fucking year in the old Bender household." if you catch my drift. To put it mildly, over all I think it sucks. BUT, and its a big BUT, I have a ton of guilt because, technically, none of the shitty stuff has happened to me. Its happened around me, to the people that I love. So I am processing it all.... feelings of loss, hopelessness, old emotional baggage that some events have stirred up, and trying to move forward.

However, maybe its the good ol' Irish/Catholic in me, maybe its just human nature, but I am full of guilt about it all. I know this is just life and how it works, and trust me, I am grateful and humbled to the very depths of my soul that my life has been this way thus far. But still, it can be hard to see the forest from the trees some days.

And this week, just happens to be one of those weeks.

I sent an email to a dear friend, looking for some light at the end of the tunnel... good news... something to make me smile. And although he is battling his own major health issues and has a million problems on his own plate, always seems to find a way to put things in perspective for me.... and this is what he replied with:

"Remember this - life is not fair, and that has worked to your advantage."

And it's true. Life is not fair, and I have some pretty substantial first hand knowledge of this fact. Yet, today, I need to be aware, be grateful, and acknowledge that at times, it does also work to my advantage. My kids are healthy & happy. I have health insurance, a warm home, and food on the table. Our hearts are full of love, and my husband does everything in his power to not only provide for us, but make our lives better on every level. I am investing in my children, their futures, and breaking as many bad cycles as I can. And I could continue to feel guilty about this all, or I could change my way of thinking, be grateful and keep moving forward, with love in my heart.

The Beatles have to be right.... I'm gonna go with the LOVE.