"Don't cry for me Argentina..."

...You know that I never left you!"

Kids, Kids, hang onto your britches! I know, I know, the Chicago thing is happening fast, and yeah, it kinda came outta nowhere, but check this out... We will have 3 bedrooms. THREE. You can all come and visit. Its not so bad. And LA is a MUCH better city for us to come back to.

Ellie coughs every morning and all I can think is that its the lovely bus exhaust coming to haunt us. As much as I love the southern cali weather, I really don't want my daughter coming up with the first case of black lung in 20 years. She's no coal miner's daughter, right?

That, and I just can't take all this crying all the time. No, not Ellie... we figured out what her problem was and nipped it in the bud. SOY. My girl can't take the soy. The gas becomes overwhelming and she flips the bitch switch on me. And I will be having NONE of that. Anyway, the crying I can't take is the FAMILY. All the time with the crying. Ellie is so cute, I miss her, I see the photos and I cry. Quit with all the crying! We are going to be closer in 27 days. It will all be ok. Do you see the sacrifices I make for you people?!?!? LMAO. ;-)

So please, all of my loving LA friends, come and visit us. Chicago is a rockin city, and I can't wait to show you all around. Ellie needs you all in her life as much as I do, so dont think this is the end. Its just the beginning of chapter 3.

In Other News:

At least one of you prayed for us, and it worked. The shots went as well as could be expected and The High Priestess Her Blazing Inferno is bouncing back with a grin on her grill. Thank you, oh God of the Internet.

Now, if only you could answer my other prayer and get Lilah to quit with the poop patrol. I think she almost has the diaper genie figured out. Internet God help us.

Also, I am working on figuring how to get photos up here without having to actually PAY for the site. I think Sleestacks has me hooked up, I just need to have a solid block of time to sit here and figure it all out. Princess Mombi will be bringing me some relief when she comes out here in 2 short weeks and I think I can work it all out then... so just hang tight for now. Word.

And finally, get this. I don't watch GH for a week and I already don't know what the hell is going on. How did Sky get outta jail? Where is Luke? And HOW could they be acting like Dillion & Brooke will be hooking up when we KNOW he is her Uncle. I mean REALLY.

-over and out-

"0 to batshit crazy in about 6 seconds"

I just have to say thanks to Janna for writing a post that contained this line. I laughed my ass off (LMAO) and it can be used to describe so many things in my life at this time. I mean, when Fer comes home and asks me how the day was, I can respond with "Ok, until both Lilah and Elliott went 0 to batshit crazy in 6 seconds." (which they BOTH are want to do these days)

Think about it, I know we all have moments to use this utterance. The line at the grocery store made me go..., Traffic had me going... I thought you were cool until you went..."

Think about it, the options are endless. Its my new favorite coined phrase since Sleestacks came up with Asshat.

Love it.

In Other News:

Well, I suppose its ok now to post it here since there was at least a 1 liner about it on Fers site. Its official, we are up and outta here. We set sail for Chicago October 26. I know, I know, thats fast, and like, how will we ever have time to say all the goodbyes... but, its just time. On to greener fields.

And, if you are of any faith, and believe in prayer at all, pray for us tomorrow. I take Mz Ellie to the Dr for her 2 month shots, and I have heard horrible things about the crying and the screaming and the belligerent behavior that those things bring about. Please, no more crying. Let them make her sleep. "Poppies, Poppies will make them sleep...."

Randomly: I saw Connie & Carla this weekend, and I don't care, I thought it was funny. Sue me.

-over and out-

Is Lilah still shitting diapers?

And the answer to that question would be Yes.

Yes, Lilah found and devoured 1 nasty, poop-filled diaper. The only remains that were found were the 2 velcro tabs and some cotton dust. And if I am not mistaken, with modern technology, diapers are now filled with some powder substance which turns to gel once baby has peed, thereby pulling moisture away from sensitive bums and helping to prevent diaper rash. Well, was Lilah disturbed by this gel substance? I think not. I can only imagine it was like pudding for the little shit-monger monster that she is.

The question remains however, would I prefer her eating diapers to the regular old cat shit that she finds on the tree lawn? My answer would be Yes. Fer, however would beg to differ, as he finds it embarrassing to watch your dog crap, and then pick up what is obviously 1/2 cotton fluff.

Do I have the best dog in the world? You bet. How many times a day do I threaten to kill her, or mutter, Bad dogs go to HELL? More than enough to solidify my place in the loony bin.

AWESOME.

In Other News:

October is almost here... and times, they are a'changin. I LOVE fall.

3 times this week I missed GH. I am totally slacking! oohh well.

-over and out-

Curse of the Internet

You know how I was going on with all that sappy crap in my last post. About how much I love my child, and how great parenthood was turning out to be? Well, I should have learned my lesson after the 1st attempt to write about Ellie's eviction notice from my uterus... posting thoughts and dreams onto the internet, for me, only brings the opposite.

For 3 whole days, Ms. BerSerker herself, the former devil-spawn, turned into the WORST SCREAMING CHILD ON EARTH. I began to fear that in the night aliens had come and taken my true, happy child and in some cosmic hoax replaced her with an animatronic, chucky-like version of her. And it was killing me. KILLING ME I SAY. The screaming was deafening... the neighbors were afraid to look me in the eye. Elliott Rose was no ones favorite child from Friday afternoon until yesterday.

We took her the the Dr for fear that she was ill, because what else would produce the screaming on that level, I was honestly surprised she was not bleeding from the ears with the way she was carrying on. The Dr confirmed that indeed she was not feeling well, but that is was probably only gas. GAS. As in, I have to fart or burp or something. Not a bleeding ulcer, not hemorrhoids from all the pooping, not an ear infection. The gas was causing pain when sucking, no sucking means no eating, no eating means no sleeping, no sleeping equals HELL. It was a vicious cycle.

Be quiet, dear internet, and do not utter this to another living soul, but I believe the gas has finally been passed. Either that, or the aliens returned my bean, mostly unmulitated and in her original condition, from what I can tell.

In Other News:

Big changes are taking place around the Ranch... BIG. Sorry for being so cryptic, more details will follow soon. And in addition, I have not watched GH since last week sometime. Someone fill me in!

-over and out-

"We gotta get outta this place...

If its the last thing we ever do! We gotta get outta this place, boy, there's a better life for me and you!"

I did it. Fer and I went out on Wed night to see Hamell on Trial. It was worth it, but it only solidified my firm decision that I am SO OVER THIS TOWN. Some of you may have read Fer's account of the lameness of the staff at The Knitting Factory, who acted like supreme assholes with eagos that went far beyond entitlement. From Chatty Cathy the big-mouthed bartender, to the sound-bitch who felt like a chump I am sure for being such a bitch and being told to F-off in a NY accent, to the ass-hat bouncers who walked around that place (while there were only a max number of like 45 people between the 2 rooms) with toolbelts full of riot gear (not 1 but 2 pairs of metal handcuffs in addition to the the plastic rip-stop cuffs! Can you imagine the need for all that crap?) Hamell's amazing set was cut short by playing in such a venue. I have to give him mad props for standing up to all their crap and giving the biggest F-you. Unplugging and walking off the stage.

And what it made me realize is this: The racket that is LA, let alone the Hollywood scene, well, I am over it. Its time for new horizons, new beginnings, clean air and a yard for Ms. Bean to run around in, and dammit, we are going to give it to her. LA has been sweet to me in many ways, but I have new plans. I am not sure what they are completely, but what I do know is that at this time, there are a world of possibilities and I am open to all of them.

My dear friend Amie came over yesterday before she headed out of town for the last time, and I realized how much I have changed in such a short amount of time. Having this little Bean, the crazy BerSerker, has already altered me in the most amazing ways and this new life that spans out before my very eyes is both terrifying and at the same time, most inviting, loving and warmest place I have ever been in. Its like there are pieces of me that I never knew existed that contain this amazing love and sense of peace that have just broken open and wide. And I am falling more in love every day.

In Other News:

Congratulations to Hiro and Dion who had baby girl Emi on Sunday. In true Hiro fashion it was wrought with complications, but they are (all) doing fine, and we are hoping to go for a visit tomorrow.

Sorry for all the sappy pap in today's post. Every once in awhile I have to put stuff like this out there to keep you on your toes. Not like I am looking to ruin my street cred, but still. LOL.

-over and out-

The Blazing Inferno

Or, Sweater #1 and #2 as they should be called, sleep surrounding me with intense heat. Good thing that I am flame retardant. The amount of heat and sweat that is produced from Fer and Miss Ellie could heat a small 3rd world country, and probably produce enough water to cook their pasta for at least a year. It would be salty, but Al Dente none the less. It amazes me how these 2 sleep, given that I think my internal body temp lowers as I drift off, but in this house, I can walk into any room at nap or bedtime to find clothing and covers thrown off and matted, damp hair above furrowed brows.

The interesting thing about my littlest firestarter, is that she does not like to have her flame altered in any way. An increase or decrease in temp 2 degrees in either direction seems to bring forth howls from hell. Which brings us to wet washcloths and the dreaded bathtime... Elliott must be akin to the Wicked Witch of the West.... as a matter of fact, I can almost make it out... AAAAHHHH'm Meeeeelllting, Meeeeeeeeellllllting. Waaaaah! She does not want her fire dampered. Sorry baby, Momma's got to do it.

In Other News:

Momma has been playing dress up with little Ellie. And I must admit, I'm feeling guilty for wishing that I formula-fed her just so she could be plumper to fit in more of the 0-3 month clothes. LOL. (All these clothes are made for fat kids!) Its not nice to wish your kid was fat just for fashion. Momma's sorry.

And, I just got this call: "Um, you're gonna kill me." Great, what. "I have both sets of keys. Sorry. I hope you don't have to go anywhere." Uh yeah, I hope I don't either.

Awesome.

-over and out-

Hurricane Ellie of the Pantalones

Multi-tasking has now taken on new meaning. I can have Ellie in the baby wrap, strapped to my chest, write our Target list (since I can't remember ANYTHING these days), checkout the baby acne page in What to expect the First Year, talk on the phone AND go to the bathroom ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Word up. This totally beats last week's feat of nursing while IMing all my friends and updating this page.

So, speaking of going to the bathroom, I HAVE to share this tidbit... Yesterday, while Elliott and I were playing after her morning feeding, which is our routine these days, SHE POOPED ALL OVER ME. And all over herself while she was at it, but still. And when I say all over, I do mean ALL OVER. I had to immediately strip us both, start a load of laundry, and give her a bath. Fer happened home from the studio right as I was starting the bathtime process and was able to witness the aftermath. It was totally Awesome, as you might expect. The only thing that might have been better would be if I would have had the presence of mind to take photos of the event to use as blackmail in the future.... but I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be many more opportunities where that came from.

In Other News:

Elliott attended her 1st concert last night. Daddy played the Acoustic Live Showcase and we all went. I think she loved it... I mean, she slept through almost the whole thing, but I think it was a happy sleep. LOL. Andy&Yin (Yin-dy) had us over for nibblies beforehand and hooked Momma up with more YUMMY vegan chocolate cupcakes from Heaven. I have a weeks-worth of chocolately-goodness to look forward to. That coupled with all the new music from Sleestacks, Grandy is off work all week for me to play with, and Ellie turns 6 weeks old, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST WEEK EVER!

-over and out-

"It makes me feel like I'm 11 all over again..."

And really, who wants that. 11 is that strange and awkward time in life between childhood and adolescents where almost everyone has a bad haircut, most of us had yet to get our precious braces... or heaven forbid you already GOT braces but were still wearing glasses. Ugh. Nothing but pain and embarrassment when you're 11. And since we went to catholic school (and by we I mean my whole Markovicious family, Aunt, Uncles, Dad, sisters, all of us) and we wore uniforms... also Awesome.

Well, my Aunt reminded me today that I was constantly breaking her heart by repeatedly spelling berserk with a "z". As a young 11 year old, with glasses and all the other atrocities that come along with that year, she lost the West Akron Spelling Bee on that word. Berserk, with a "Z". And in our family, there is nothing worse than academically F-ing up infront of the whole family. Talk about pain. So, to quell the agony I have been causing, and even though I was spelling Berserk in reference to the Wolvey Bezerker line in Clerks, at the behest of Fer (that IS how you spell it!) I will not be continuing in this manner. It is "The BerSerker" from here on in. If you would like to read the account that has made me change my wicked, wicked ways, please check out the comment on "The Bezerker" post from August 2004. Katochanel, I will not break your heart any longer, I have mended my ways. LMAO ;-).

In Other News:

We made it to and from the grocery store today without a meltdown! It was fantastic. Ellie was in fine form and even let me get everything into the fridge before she said that was it, no more time away from her. Totally cool, Thank you Ellie-bean. Your Momma loves you for taking into account my food needs. AND for talking me out of the Ho-Hos... You're right, that's no way to go about losing the Baby Weight. BUT, I wish you would not have fallen asleep when I saw the Ben & Jerry's was on sale. Whoops! Ah well, you win some, you lose some.

-over and out-

Wake me up before you go-go...

So, last night I had one of those dreams that wakes you up in a cold sweat. Like its SO REAL you can feel your body responding to the stimuli of whatever your dream was about. The strange thing was, when I woke up, I could not remember what it was about exactly, but as I was walking to the bathroom, I realized it was at least the kind that keeps you from watching the shadows or looking around too much in the dark for fear of what you will see. And there is nothing that makes me feel more like when I was a child than a dream that has the power to make me feel that way. Like all I want is to know my Dad is home from work and sleeping downstairs to protect me from any monsters in the night. I am 27 years old, and apparently monsters in the night still exist on some level. WTF.

In Other News:

We have been catching up on this season of Six Feet Under thanks to Darcie's Kick-Ass husband who hooked us up with the preview tapes of the eps since we are too cheap to get better cable. I mean, we LIVE for six ft under, (even more than GH) but seriously, $40 more in cable a month is not worth it for only 1 show. And it would cut into my Netflix budget, and you KNOW I cannot let that happen. Anyway, all I have to say so far from what I have seen is that Nate & Brenda are both such SLUTS that they deserve eachother and all the crap that they get. For the amount those 2 screw, how come one of them has not ended up with an STD in the story line. THAT would be real life. Idiots. But I LOVE it.

Its ass-rippin hot in this computer room so for now, that's all the news that's fit to print.

-over and out-

I will Pump for it

So, Hamell on Trial is at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood on Sept 15, and I am going. I will pump to go so that there will be a little bottle for Ellie should she wake up and need a top off to the tank. I think Dear Grandy will be hooking me up with this night off and I am very excited. Or at least, that's what Fer told me, so Grandy, if you are reading this and did not agree to sit the Bezerker, just let me know. We can work it out. LOL.

This weekend was awesome save for the unbearable heat wave we have been facing. Thank GOD for airconditioning. And thank god for Andy, Yin and vegan cupcakes. They came over and not only hooked up dinner for us all, but made amazing cupcakes to boot that I have been eating every morning for breakfast like a good, sugar-loving Momma. Its ok, chocolate is good for Ellie. Wakes her right up. And how else do you think we have been getting those super wide-awake photos and videos that Fer keeps adding to his site and emailing around? ;-)

The Ultimate Baby Sling made it here from Amazon, and it is indeed the Ultimate. Elliott loves it, I love it, and we are getting SO MUCH emailing, blogging and IMing done its amazing. I have not felt this well connected in a month! I am totally geek right now! Who ever would have thought!

In Other News:

The growth spurt is over for now. We are back to sleeping nights and happy babies and momma's that the sweet baby jesus. I just knew I was not that bad of a person to have to endure hell on earth forever. Either that or the devil moved on to greener pastures, and I know there is a back door left unlocked around here somewhere, but I am taking this break while I can get it and with a smile on my face. What I am saying is, she is happy again, (except for the heat rash) and I am sleeping again, so all is right with the world.

We spent much of this weekend with other new parents, and that also helps to make everyone feel a little less insane. What? Your child pooped all over the Dr.'s office too? Awesome. You also wanted to cut your boobs off, throw them away and say "I can't help you anymore, Go ask someone else?" Sweet. We are not alone, and its all good.

-over and out-

Happy Birthday All around!

People, People, this is the place where Happy Birthdays are being wished today! I have a few on my list, bust first, please wish Mr. Fer, AKA Captain Daddy a very special birthday. Its actually on Sunday (I am sure most of you know that already) but I have a feeling that with the long weekend ahead of us, I will not be here for a few days, and its always better early rather than late. Right?

Who knows what's in store for the celebrations this weekend. Fer has a show planned that I will be sitting out on. But its ok, I am planning on baking cookies and watching sappy pap I ordered from Netfilx just for the occasion as long as The Bezerker goes to sleep like a good little girl tonight. I have my fingers crossed for the weekend as well. We may even venture to the outside world if things go well enough. Could I even dare to dream? LOL.

Last night my prayers were answered. At the 5:30am feeding, I told Fer, The world works in mysterious ways. The demon who was possessing my beautiful and charming Monchi-Chi disappeared and all was right with the world. No more crying, and she slept in 4 hour blocks again! Even if it was just for one night, that's all this Momma needed to be rejuvenated. Thank you dear Elliott. Happy 1 month Birthday to you as well. I know you have grown this month, but you are still so small. Forgive me for taking photos and video of you doing things that you will be mad I recorded in time when you are older. It must be done. When else will you know what your face looks like while you are pooping?

I also need to give a shout-out of Birthday good tidings this coming week to one of my oldest friends, and some of you may have come to know him as GammyLT, either way, Happy Birthday dear friend, and thanks for the flowers and card. Tiamo Mucho. I adore you.

And, for the Markovicious clan, Happy b-day Uncle Mike. I can't wait to see you again and for you to meet this little bean of mine.

In Other News:

Lilah has an appointment tomorrow for the groomers. Awesome. I was sick of the house smelling like a giant bag of Fritos.

Have a nice long weekend all.

-over and out-

We've got a moaner

Fer's big bro has a few affectionate nicknames bestowed upon him, I am sure, somewhat to his dismay, by the ever loving family. Families are like that. Chetty is the usual pet name that comes forth, however, Fer and I have a special one for him, that we use usually while he is eating. For that is when Chet turns into Moaning Boy. There is something that happens to him when he is so full of joy over a good meal, as he eats, he kind of half laughs and moans at the same time. Very amusing.

Well, I am now wondering if this trait was somehow passed on to Ms. Bezerker. Last night she was moaning in that same way, half gleeful, half under her breath while she was feeding in the middle of the night and then while she was being lulled off to sleep. I think I am going to have to make a tape of it if I can, it must be heard to be believed.

And while we are speaking of the Bezerker, I think Aunt Mar is right, this kid came out with her own personality, agenda, and thoughts about things, and she wants those things done her way. And when its not her way, she has NO PROBLEM telling me she's pissed about it. Today she informed me I must RECOGNIZE who is now in charge here and show her some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. (I do believe she is turning out to be her momma's daughter after all, even if she does only look like Fer.)

Thank you, my dear Elliott. My lesson has been learned, can we find that happy child I thought I knew so well? It would be best if the devil hell-spawn that you turned into today does not come back again for quite some time. I have seen the error of my ways. LOL.

In Other News:

"The Liar" is currently speaking at the GOP convention and the one thing that gives me hope for the election is 2 things:
1. That I can only imagine that Madison Square Garden has never been so full of people that have no energy.
2. That it has also never been so full of crap.
LOL

-over and out-

Blogs are like, Cool you guys... OR The Poo Factor

So, Sleestacks is like one of my most favorite friends I have had the pleasure of making out here in La la land, and there are many reasons for this, but the most recent one is this blog. Without the his pushing, I would have never ventured into blogging land. But, I am finding one small downfall. This is a great place to just let it all hang out, and chat about whatever is on my mind. And that some of you find this amusing, is just icing on the cake. But, when I am tired, and have spent hours trying to calm a screaming bezerker, and someone calls to chat on the phone, I find myself wanting to say, "Dude, read my blog. Its all there, no need to chat it up, just read what I have been upto." I am sure that Sleestacks is laughing right now too, thinking to himself, that is EXACLY what I was going for (because he hates any form of communication that does not involve our lovely internet.)

Anyway, what I think I mean is thanks, I really like it around here.

And on to other news... In Other News:

Ellie is now 4 weeks old, and weighs 8lbs 14oz. So that is a 10 oz. gain in 2 weeks. Not sure if that qualifies her for the US Sumo wrestler team yet, but I am sure that she is on her way. She might have even hit the 9lb mark had it not been for the massive poo she took this morning before we left for the Dr. And now I know what they mean they say "up the back". Oh yes my friends, she not only pooed up her back, but over the sides, on the onesie, and almost, just almost, through her blanket that she was all burritoed up in. And should I mention that she was laying on Fer's pillow while all this was happening? Right. Good thing Momma wasn't sleeping on the job, because only a few seconds longer and I would have been trying to fit that pillow into the diaper genie. Wink Wink.

I love how having either a dog or a child makes you talk about poo like its no big thing. Case in point, over dinner, Fer turns to me and says, "Lilah had a few clingers on tonight. Two little nuggets that would not let go. I had to wipe her butt for her." To which I reply "Huh, great. You sure you got it all?" "Yeah, I got it." And we now return to Law & Order.

This is my life. LMAO.

-over and out-