Uncle

Dear Internet,

It's official, I think I'm depressed. It's a strange thing, how it sneaks upon you... like a bad smell coming from the refridgerator. Like, at first, you are not sure if you even smell anything. Then it overcomes you and before you know it, you freak out and throw everything away.

I thought yesterday I was just having a bad day. Or, more importantly, Elliott and Lilah were having bad days. Ellie was giving me a run for my money, and Lilah decided that it would make everything better if she went and destroyed a few of Ellie's toys just to balance it all out. Yeah. Nothing pisses me off more than tending to a screaming infant, turning around and finding not 1 but 2 of her favorite toys demolished.

But this morning when I woke up, I knew it was not just Ellie and Lilah. It's me. Granted, day 2 of tears from Ellie isn't helping, but in the last 1/2 hour things seem to be getting better. Or maybe the constant crying is just out of her system. Little lizard is a firm believer that sometimes that's all we need, a good cry.

The nature of this beast always defies reason. I know that i wanted to cry this morning when Ellie put her little chubby hand on my cheek and looked into my eyes like she was trying to tell me it is all ok. But, how much more of a failure can I feel when I feel like there is nothing left to give? i mean, this kid is only 5 months old and already i am feeling spent? Sure sure, some days are better than others. And its not even the move that has made me feel this way. I think i would be feeling disconnected no matter where I was living at this point. Maybe its just the pre-mommy/now-i-am-a-mommy personalities duking it out inside me. Maybe its the notion that people with kids often do not want to talk about the realities of it all. I mean, it cant be awesome all the time. What the hell is wrong with admitting that? I know that overall its better than it is worse, but seriously, when do we get to admit to all the other emotions?

But then I hear her make those noises that she makes... the ones where i can tell she is trying to make a real laugh... and she is googling and talking and smiling up at me... like she is saying look mommy! I can do all these things and share them with you! Look at me eat my purple elephant's nose! Its fun, and she hands it up to me with a look of "You try!" And for those moments I feel complete.

When the tide it out, we can play.... but when its in, somehow, I am forgetting how to swim.

-over and out-