Don't get me wrong

Dear Internet,

Today I went and bought me a Neon Bible and my new Great Love is Arcade Fire. I mean, I already had more than a great like for them... but boy has it blossomed and I don't think its the wine talking.

I know I have yet to change the layout, all the bells and whistles I have been promising for so long, but I figured a hello was in order weather I was ready for you or not. Hello, and lets dive right in. There's just so much to tell.

The big old house has been moved into. Elliott Lilah & I are living here fulltime, and Fer is commuting from Chicago weekends. Did I forget to mention that part? Uh yeah, its not ideal, but its the way its going for now for a few specific reasons that I can't really bring myself to get into now. I want to talk about a million things, my mind is racing, but that dears, is not one of 'em. Just wanted ya'lls to know where we stand on things.

The house is amazing and needs less work than I had anticipated, which is good since last week I almost lost my mind during a few of the home improvements, but I learned a lot quickly and I am sure I will have more to post about that in the long run so lets move on.

Do you ever feel like there is no one out there to talk to without freaking someone out? I mean, really talk to. Everything tends to get to censored when you fear distortion, and who really does not distort. No one really listens to what you're saying... they listen for what they want/expect to hear. Ya get me? If so, listen up, its about to get real frank up in this bitch.

I am not a fan of living without my husband, surprise surprise. If these past few weeks have taught me anything, its that I genuinely like & love that man. We've been together 10 years now, and sometimes I don't feel old enough to have done ANYTHING consistant for ten years. Sometimes I hate being tied down and having someone to explain myself to when I get all crazy and self-righteous. Sometimes I want to be alone and not have to talk about all the distorted things that go through my head when I am faced with situations that are tough to deal with. Sometimes when there is trouble I want to run away. Can you tell me anyone who doesn't? I don't lie and I am not perfect. BUT, what I am faced with in these days, without the opportunity to be on my best or worst behavior because no one is here to see, is that I am a better person when he is around. He grounds me when I freak out, he makes me laugh when I am being too level-headed about things that don't even matter and he lets me be me. I know I have said that before, but seriously.... how many people do you know really let you be YOU. Nasty, crabby, loving, vulnerable, whatever. Dirty little secrets about your life before you met, all that crap.

So you are thinking, here is where I get all Olive Oyl in Popeye and sing: "He loves me! Yeah, he loves me!" No, thats not it. I mean, he does love me, but I love him. And our kid loves him. And I don't like being a single parent (and I want to give MAD PROPS to all the single parents out there, holy-fucking-shit. For Realz) I know some people are content to live their lives with little question, with little contemplation of relationships, etc, but I realized something tonight that I was not proud of.

I have a significant number of family members from which I am, in essence, estranged. I know a significant number of people from a life I was formerly living. I know a lot of people now, I have a lot of love to give, and I am not going to repeat patterns of behavior just because they are comfortable. This time apart, while more than likely will be the hardest test of our relationship over these last years, I am going to use it to my advantage. I will reflect, I will not regress, I will use this time to propell our little family forward and I will begin a foundation of healing and lots and lots of love.

If you thought I have been honest in the past, hang onto your hats. Its gonna get really real round here. Can you hang?

In Other News:

I deleted some things from the tivo. Seems like time to get back on track.

"You're such a sensitive child! Oh! you're such a sensitive child! I know you're tired, but it's alright, I just need you to sing for me tonight. You're gonna have your day in the sun; You know God loves the sensitive ones." (antichrist television blues)

-over and out-