Restless, restless, it happens all the time... OR Day 2

Yeesterday was my first day at the New Job. I don't know how long I will have to be there before I feel compelled to stop calling it New Job.... but for the forseable future, that's what it is.

Feeling kinda spent yesterday, I was a smart girl and got in bed to read for awhile before falling asleep. Bean had a tough day... with staying up a tad too late too many nights in a row, and then not taking a nap.

Right as I was dozing off into what I thought would be an incredible night's sleep, based on how worn out I've been.... the screaming and crying starts. Not from me mind you, I can't cry. It was Elliott.

Lilah had already woken her up about 20 min after going to sleep last night by going upstairs to make a ton of noise and throw her bed around. Good times. I had figured that could mean we were in for a night of restless sleep. I had no idea what I was in store for.

10:30. 11:15. 12:30 more water and a cereal bar, in my bed... from which she never left. crying while falling in and out of sleep till 1:30, when I finally came to my senses and realized that for whatever reason she simply could not get comfortable or wind down enough to sleep. So, be it good or not, I got the Children's Motrin.

To be fair, since I knew that whatever was bothering her was not accompanied by a fever, I only gave her 1/2 the reccommended dose. But, it must have done its job, because we both fell asleep (albeit, restless and full of strange and sad dreams for me) but she lay mostly calm without the contunious crying and wailing waking her up.

So, here we are. 6:45am. Exhaused. Not yet sure if it includes cranky or not... but day 2 is upon us. Time to get rollin. And tonight, tonight I will become a recluse and I pray for a good nights sleep.

In Other News:
eh.

-over and out-

This is what I live for?

Yesterday afternoon I was on the phone with a friend from LA... giddy and happy and sharing all the tidbits about why its been so great to move back to the midwest. Beautiful old homes in affordable price ranges, small amounts of traffic, and my favorite reason; seasons. LA may get year-round good weather, but I get Spring and Fall.

When I was running around the past 2 days, no jacket, jeans and a t-shirt, I thought for a moment that it could already be here. Spring that is. Winter, a thing of the past... and here we are.

I spent all last night, after Elliott went to bed, priming the living room walls for our painting extravaganza this weekend. Well, between all the St. Patrick's Day celebrating... cuz you know its my fav holiday! But I digress. I had windows open while I was painting (at least, the few that are not currently painted shut)... and at 12:30 am it was raining, but still beautiful and balmy outside.

Somewhere between 1:30am when I fell alseep and this morning at 7, when my mommy alarmclock started blasting, SNOW crept in and blanketed these very surroundings. A thin white cover to remind me of yet another thing the midwest has to offer.... unpredictability. If it snowed one day in the middle of July, I would not be surprised.

So here is the picture of this morning: Momma & babe lounging on our California King bed, while snow falls in March after 2 days of almost 70 degrees, and Dora & Boots are on their way to spending day at the beach. That is, once that crazy-ass Map gets his shit together and tells them which way to go.

In Other News:

We're headed over to my Grams today to spend some quality time and eat Irish Soda Bread. Or at least I will, because I can't imagine my kid is going to be hungry after all the toenails she's chewed off her little bubble toes so far this morning. And I only wish I was kidding.

-over and out-

Don't get me wrong

Dear Internet,

Today I went and bought me a Neon Bible and my new Great Love is Arcade Fire. I mean, I already had more than a great like for them... but boy has it blossomed and I don't think its the wine talking.

I know I have yet to change the layout, all the bells and whistles I have been promising for so long, but I figured a hello was in order weather I was ready for you or not. Hello, and lets dive right in. There's just so much to tell.

The big old house has been moved into. Elliott Lilah & I are living here fulltime, and Fer is commuting from Chicago weekends. Did I forget to mention that part? Uh yeah, its not ideal, but its the way its going for now for a few specific reasons that I can't really bring myself to get into now. I want to talk about a million things, my mind is racing, but that dears, is not one of 'em. Just wanted ya'lls to know where we stand on things.

The house is amazing and needs less work than I had anticipated, which is good since last week I almost lost my mind during a few of the home improvements, but I learned a lot quickly and I am sure I will have more to post about that in the long run so lets move on.

Do you ever feel like there is no one out there to talk to without freaking someone out? I mean, really talk to. Everything tends to get to censored when you fear distortion, and who really does not distort. No one really listens to what you're saying... they listen for what they want/expect to hear. Ya get me? If so, listen up, its about to get real frank up in this bitch.

I am not a fan of living without my husband, surprise surprise. If these past few weeks have taught me anything, its that I genuinely like & love that man. We've been together 10 years now, and sometimes I don't feel old enough to have done ANYTHING consistant for ten years. Sometimes I hate being tied down and having someone to explain myself to when I get all crazy and self-righteous. Sometimes I want to be alone and not have to talk about all the distorted things that go through my head when I am faced with situations that are tough to deal with. Sometimes when there is trouble I want to run away. Can you tell me anyone who doesn't? I don't lie and I am not perfect. BUT, what I am faced with in these days, without the opportunity to be on my best or worst behavior because no one is here to see, is that I am a better person when he is around. He grounds me when I freak out, he makes me laugh when I am being too level-headed about things that don't even matter and he lets me be me. I know I have said that before, but seriously.... how many people do you know really let you be YOU. Nasty, crabby, loving, vulnerable, whatever. Dirty little secrets about your life before you met, all that crap.

So you are thinking, here is where I get all Olive Oyl in Popeye and sing: "He loves me! Yeah, he loves me!" No, thats not it. I mean, he does love me, but I love him. And our kid loves him. And I don't like being a single parent (and I want to give MAD PROPS to all the single parents out there, holy-fucking-shit. For Realz) I know some people are content to live their lives with little question, with little contemplation of relationships, etc, but I realized something tonight that I was not proud of.

I have a significant number of family members from which I am, in essence, estranged. I know a significant number of people from a life I was formerly living. I know a lot of people now, I have a lot of love to give, and I am not going to repeat patterns of behavior just because they are comfortable. This time apart, while more than likely will be the hardest test of our relationship over these last years, I am going to use it to my advantage. I will reflect, I will not regress, I will use this time to propell our little family forward and I will begin a foundation of healing and lots and lots of love.

If you thought I have been honest in the past, hang onto your hats. Its gonna get really real round here. Can you hang?

In Other News:

I deleted some things from the tivo. Seems like time to get back on track.

"You're such a sensitive child! Oh! you're such a sensitive child! I know you're tired, but it's alright, I just need you to sing for me tonight. You're gonna have your day in the sun; You know God loves the sensitive ones." (antichrist television blues)

-over and out-