Little bup-bup....

Oh little miss Frankie Jane. You turn 1 year old today. I can't honestly believe that it was only 1 short year ago that I was sitting in the hospital, holding you in my arms, and worrying about how your sister was taking to all this. You, whose labor was a piece of cake overall, which is no small thing for going at it without any drugs... who came into this world so quiet, and then, when you were ready, let out an earsplitting scream.... which you use to your advantage to this day. You, who came in matching your sister, pound for pound and inch for inch, 7 days overdue... just to insure you were not to be outdone by your big sister. Already so new and so demanding. You, with the 4 months of colic, which threw me for a loop, I won't lie, and at times made me question my ability to even be a parent.... this year has seemed so short, and yet so long. So many things have happened, and so many things have stayed the same. And that is what you will spend the rest of your life learning... so many new things happen, so many stay the same.

You are so feisty, so full of fire. Quick to laugh and quick to cry, always wanting your way in between. Already knowing that your sister is trying to get one up on you, and already figuring out how to make it all work to your advantage.

And walking. Almost running, just to keep up with what's going on, where everyone else is going.
No doubt you will spend a lifetime doing this exact same thing, and I will try and be there to pick you up when you fall, just like I am now.

Frankie Jane, Frankenfurter, Franklin Mint, little bup-bup, bubbie.... its no wonder you never answer to your name, we have so many for you, but all they mean is: LOVE.

Happy Birthday Little One.
Love,
Mama

it hurts me more than it hurts you....

Elliott turned 5 in August, which means that this fall she started kindergarten. And being that we don't really have any friends with kids that are older than ours, no one really hipped us to the fact that school changes everything. EVERYTHING.

I mean, I could go on and on about the selfish reasons for why its changed everything... we can't just pick up and go on vacation or a long weekend away whenever we feel like it. I can't roll out of bed whenever I want and get her to school sometime between 9 and 10 because it feels better not to rush in the mornings. No. Now there are things like tardy bells, morning announcements, classroom disruption and sick days.

What the what?!?!?!?

Oh yeah, its been a blast, let me tell you. But also, the thing no one has told you about? Kindergarten? Its not all coloring and play time and lets all get cozy hear a story and take a nap. NOPE. They actually expect the kids to learn! Can you believe it?!?!? LOL. Oh yeah, kindergarten these days is what I remember as 1st grade. Reading, writing, math and science. Elliott's a champ and has really taken to it all. She is already reading harder text and longer books, adding all the time, and really interested in science and "experiements." (Which means I have to now put just about anything liquid under lock and key... she's also into cooking shows on TV, so its like a double-whammy disaster of liquid proportions that I have to fend off just about every day after school.)

And with all that learning she is so eager about? Well, it comes with a very tired, very crabby mind and body by the time she gets home. 8:15 - 2:30 is a LOOOONNNGG day for the "just 5".
So, every day when I pick the kid up from school, I never know what kind of emotional bullet I am going to try and dodge. And then, to top it off, she has found the wonderment of lying. Oh yeah.

Elliott, where's your sandwich? "I ate it." All the way to the crust? "Yep! I even ate the crust!" Really. 2 hours later, throwing something away, who ate the sammich? The garbage can, that's who.

At school: Elliott did you finish your work and put it in the done pile? "Yep!" Ok then, go play! Only to find at grading time that the front side was completed, face up, and the back side had not been touched. So.... no school play time. THEN she gets caught trying to throw her work away and says: "Oh MY! The mechevious little fairy must have come and thrown my work away! That Fairy! what are we going to do with her?!?"

I wish I was making this shit up. But no, that is word for word what her teacher told me when we had a conference this week. So you know what happened? Oh yeah, I pulled a tool out of my parent's toolbox. Their favorite one as a matter of fact, in dealing with me, probably because it doesn't get you arrested. GROUNDING.

Oh yeah, my 5 year old has been grounded all week. No tv. NONE.

Its not like we watch a lot of tv here... actually, its hardly ever on. But, when I need it so I can catch a 20 minute catnap in the afternoon while the baby is sleeping, its a godsend. Or, when I am trying to get dinner together, its an instant babysitter and that's a good thing. Or god forbid I want to make 1 uninterrupted phone call that can last for more than 5 minutes... TV it is!

Yes, this really does hurt me more than it hurts you. TRUST ME.

I will say however, sticking to my guns has made a much more enjoyable household, and man, that tv time will never have been so sweet to Elliott as when she gets home tonight from school and finally gets to watch a show.

In Other (somewhat related) News:

Yesterday I went all over hell and half'a Georgia to find a suitable Christmas dress for Elliott to wear for our annual holiday card photo, and found an adorable and fancy dress for the little princess. It was amazing, and on sale. WOOT! So I show it to her, and mention that once Daddy was home she could try it on, make sure she liked it and it fit, and until then, it would be hanging in MY CLOSET, not to be touched.

So I said, go upstairs and play quietly while your sister sleeps and I get dinner started, then i will be up to read with you. Ok? (cause see here is where i would keep an eye on her and have her watch a show while I prepare dinner, so she doesn't get in trouble.... but no TV so.... I have to trust her.)

And what does she do? Get into my closet using 2 boxes and her stepping stool. Get the dress down. Take it into HER closet, rip the tags off, and change into it. Comes down to the kitchen so excited about her beautiful new dress that she CAN'T STAND THIS THING IS SOOOO ITCHY!!!! TAKE IT BACK TAKE IT BACK! But, where are the tags? Elliott, you can't take things back without tags! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH IT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING GETTING INTO MY CLOSET IN THE FIRST PLACE I SAID LEAVE IT ALONE FOR A REASON WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Oh yeah, can you say Lunitic? I said the dress was on sale, I did not however say that it was cheap. Catch my drift? And I will be goddamned if i am going to listen to her bitch at me THAT SHE IS TOO ITCHY! while i am trying to wrangle the most un-wrangleable of babies through a christmas card photo this weekend.

But alls well that ends well. I will not be arrested for beating my child because the gods were smiling down upon the little golden-haired wonder this week, as somehow the little plastic tag did not break, did not rip the fabric of the new dress, and I was miraculously able to put it all back together and return the beautiful, itchy dress. Once I calmed down long enough to look at her without wanting to scream, I told her she was super, super lucky. SUPER LUCKY. She looked up at me and half smiled and just said: "I know."

-over and out-

Guilty as charged

November 2009: Elliott Rose & Frankie Jane, in their matching Big Sister, Little Sister pjs.

So, 2009 has been what I would like to call "A banner fucking year in the old Bender household." if you catch my drift. To put it mildly, over all I think it sucks. BUT, and its a big BUT, I have a ton of guilt because, technically, none of the shitty stuff has happened to me. Its happened around me, to the people that I love. So I am processing it all.... feelings of loss, hopelessness, old emotional baggage that some events have stirred up, and trying to move forward.

However, maybe its the good ol' Irish/Catholic in me, maybe its just human nature, but I am full of guilt about it all. I know this is just life and how it works, and trust me, I am grateful and humbled to the very depths of my soul that my life has been this way thus far. But still, it can be hard to see the forest from the trees some days.

And this week, just happens to be one of those weeks.

I sent an email to a dear friend, looking for some light at the end of the tunnel... good news... something to make me smile. And although he is battling his own major health issues and has a million problems on his own plate, always seems to find a way to put things in perspective for me.... and this is what he replied with:

"Remember this - life is not fair, and that has worked to your advantage."

And it's true. Life is not fair, and I have some pretty substantial first hand knowledge of this fact. Yet, today, I need to be aware, be grateful, and acknowledge that at times, it does also work to my advantage. My kids are healthy & happy. I have health insurance, a warm home, and food on the table. Our hearts are full of love, and my husband does everything in his power to not only provide for us, but make our lives better on every level. I am investing in my children, their futures, and breaking as many bad cycles as I can. And I could continue to feel guilty about this all, or I could change my way of thinking, be grateful and keep moving forward, with love in my heart.

The Beatles have to be right.... I'm gonna go with the LOVE.

Workin' it out

Yesterday, as an "adventure", Auntie Liz and I thought we'd take the girls shopping at the outdoor outlet mall since it was a nice, balmy late fall afternoon. Elliott was on fire, due to many factors...
1. Kindergarten is no freaking joke. They work those kids pretty hard these days, it's all day, and come Friday afternoon, that kid is SPENT. Like Woah. Case in point, she got to pick out of the "prize box" for having such a good week, and she got a pack of gummies. 1 dropped out of her hand while we were driving from school and she had a 4-alarm melt down STOP STOP STOP, I DROPPED MY PURPLE GUMMY! I CANT FIND IT! WAAAAAHHHHH. complete with crocodile tears. Great, so this is how the weekend is going to start....
2. she "chose not to eat lunch." Yeah, that's what she told me. She CHOSE not to. no big deal. Didn't wanna. She aparrently wasn't "interested" in her mac n' cheese. "Nah, not really. Not today." Try explaining to a 5 year old that she is melting down and being absolutely unreasonable because she is "Hangry" (hungry+angry=hangry) it brings about a whole other list of am nots, will not, and blah blah blah.

Add in Auntie Liz trying desperately to add light to the situation, and take some stress off me so I don't go Batshit crazy and start spewing some nonsense at Elliott that probably equates to some version of mind control just to get her to shut it for a moment and you get this kind of senario:

Auntie Liz: "blah blah blah, just stop listening to her. Lets get to dinner, she'll eat and it will be fine."
Elliott, from the back seat, hearing this exchange and not able to keep from putting her 2 cents in: "Auntie Liz! Stop talking rude to my Mommy! Beacuse you did that, now you have to sniff my feet! Mine are totally gross and stinky, just like yours!"

No. I'm not making this up. This is apparrently what Elliott deems as appropriate punishment for rudeness, and I am going to go out on a limb here and blame it soley on her father. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA.

Elliott, one day you are either going to love me or hate me for having a record of all this nonsense. All I know is that no matter how you feel about it, this is going to be the thing that gives me comfort when you are a teenager and hate me for sometimes good, and for sometimes no reason. When you are older and starting a family of your own, have moved away, or don't have time, I will be able to come here and remember that when you were 5 years old, you swore up and down of 2 things:

1. you are NEVER going to drive. NEVER. you want me to drive you everywhere, for the rest of your life.
2. you are NEVER EVER EVER going to live in a house without me. You think it would be best if we live together forever.

And one day, if all goes according to plan, you are going to look at this and laugh your ass off.
ily

-over and out-

Good morning Starshine.....

... the Earth says Hello!

In the midst of of sadness and grief, there are still moments of laughter and joy. It's kind of amazing isn't it? Life....

There's all these sayings people use about life: its what happens when you're making other plans. If you don't stop to enjoy it once in awhile, you may miss it. You know, all those things that seem so silly, until you realize that people say them because they're true.

My Dad is a classic example of this kind of behavior, and I think I have inherited this gene from him. I always have something to say, some explanation for, well, just about anything under the sun. Its annoying and irritating at times, and I try to control it to an extent, but I guess its just kinda who I am, where I come from.

So, when words fail me, or, even when its a situation where there is some old saying that would indeed be true or apply, being able to recognize that I'm Sorry and silence is the kindest thing a person can do. Because I am sorry. And no words are going to make it better. And no one wants to hear "there is a plan" or any of that other inane bullshit when you are staring down the worst moments of your life. Comfort can come in many forms, in many way, at any time, if we allow it to.

Today, the sun is shining and for me, it brings comfort. I do not know where yours will come from, or when it will arrive. But I believe it will arrive. Fleeting and momentary in the beginning, and evolving over time.

I believe that at any given time, when we realize we are not alone, that there are others out there experiencing life, living, the bad and the good, waking up each day and moving in a forward motion to see what else is in store, that that knowledge brings comfort as well.

So this is my return... my reminder to you, and to myself, that we are not alone. If you are happy today, be happy. It is another day, a fresh start, a warm sun. If you are in the midst of pain and sorrow, remember there is love for you, and it comes in overwhelming waves at times, from all directions. But what better than to love, and be loved in return.....

Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear...

Its been a long time friends. Its been awhile since I took comfort, found an outlet, had the written word to help me think it out, come to terms with this life as it keeps unfolding around us all.

And this thing we call Life? Well, I found out this year that it can straight up, be a mind-fuck.

My life is good. I consider myself a blessed person, and I am grateful with every single fiber of my being of the exponential wonder and good i see and get to experience in this existence of mine. I am surrounded by people and things that teach me and help me grow in every way, almost every day. It's all about the evolution, right? And I knew starting this year, there were going to be some challenges, but also some great accomplishments headed our way. What I was not prepared for, was the level of challenges and the rapid spiritual and emotional evolution that was about to take place.

And I am not going to go into detail about it all. not here, not just yet. its all too fresh. But, needless to say, I've changed and grown more as person this year, than possibly over all the past 10 years combined, and I've watched it happen in the people around me as well. But did I really want this push? Was i looking for the emotional upheaval so that i could get to some of my core issues and work through them? Well, spiritually speaking, I maintain a feeling of gratitude to be able to work through things and lead an authentic life, so to speak. But did i really want to be faced with so much, so fast, while watching similar things unfold in the lives of my loved ones? Nah, not so much.

So god with a little g: I get it. The message is coming through loud and clear. What I want to be clear on is this: I'll do all the work that needs done. I will continue to evolve through each one of these changes and challenges. But the message has been received, and i would sincerely appreciate it if you could STOP SENDING THE SIGNALS, LIKE NOW.

2009 has been too much. I'm hitting my load limit, and most of the people around me are as well. So could you just fucking lay off for like a minute?

....................................................

Today, I hold my dear friend M.G. in my heart, surrounded by love, while she and her family deal with the loss of her niece. A daughter, a granddaughter, a big sister, a beacon of light and love and pure joy. I am so, so sorry for your loss, and words can not even begin to express the sorrow in my heart.