The Cleaning Lady

I would have to say, that would generally be me.  I really like to clean.  Sometimes the smell of bleach just cannot be beat.  Well, that and knowing that you have killed every last germ or bacteria that may have been hiding on any surface in your home.  However, being preggers has limited me in my neurotic quest for bright white grout, and Lilah-hair-free floors.  There are some cleaning products I can't use anymore, even when wearing my tried and true yellow rubber house gloves, and some of it just makes me too damn tired anymore.  Well, that and the the small fact that my belly has been too big for me to bend over and scrub behind the toilet or the bottom of the tub for months now.  Fer has really risen to the occasion to help pick up this slack, but I can tell its  wearing on his manliness as time goes by.  I cannot blame him for remembering with fondness the days of old when he would come home from practice on Sat afternoon to  a sparkling house and nothing to accomplish for the rest of the weekend.  Now there are dreaded things like "chores" for him to do that go FAR beyond taking out the garbage and doing dishes.

This leads us to 3 new discoveries:

  1. The Swiffer Dusters.  This product is the most ingenious of the entire Swiffer line. I bought them on a whim after seeing a commercial, and thought, what the hell, if they suck, so what.  Let me tell you people, not only do they not suck, they are like the BEST DUSTING PRODUCT EVER! That shit gets trapped up in those fibers, never to be seen or heard from again, and Fer is just LOVING it. He is still in awe of the amount of crap he can dust off and be done with in record time. He runs around telling people, "Have you used the swiffer dusters?  Man, they are like the BEST!"  I bet Swiffer could even get him to do instore demos at this point, he is such a believer.  We were at Target and he got all excited because they had "TWO BOXES ON SALE FOR THE PRICE OF 1. WE HAVE TO STOCK UP!"

2. What I thought would be my new bleaching fav, the Clorox Bleach Gel Pen. Big mistake. It is SO not the glorious bleaching product that I thought it would be. Just stick to your old watered-down homemade bleach concoction. This thing is a rip off.

3.  The NEW cleaning lady. Its not me and its not Fer. For the first time ever, we are going to have someone come here and clean this apartment.  Fer called and confirmed the appointment just last night. And when he did so, he turned to me and asked... "We do have a mop, right?"  Ha ha ha... men.  I have to admit, this is a strange development for me, since I have never lived in a house where cleaning ladies were allowed.  There were kids for that stuff (me and my sisters to be exact). But we are doing it. The LADY is coming. On Saturday morning. We will vacate the premises, and come home to sparkling wonder.  I may just see god. 

In Other News:

Contractions, contractions, contractions. I have had 2 since the beginning of this post. Bets are still on for Saturday.  Anyone started an online poll yet? Waiting is the strangest thing in the world.

-over and out- 

Politicos

Ok, maybe someone can answer me this.  What jackass started this whole idea of Faux Political ads?  I mean seriously.  I can just see some nerdy suit sitting in a "next steps" meeting, brainstorming if you will, with his ass-backwards counterparts who have NO CLUE what the real world with buying power is up to, thinking to themselves... "You know what would TOTALLY sell Net-Zero to all those college kids?  A commercial dressed up as a political ad campaign.  Brilliant!"  

What Douchebags.  Those f-ing morons are taking something serious and dragging it through the mud. Like the election is a joke. In times like these, I wish people would wake the fuck up and realize that what our government has been up to, and this particular election in general, is going to have MAJOR IMPACTS upon our lives, but most importantly the lives of our children and grandchildren, and if that is not enough reason for things to not get any more screwed up then they already are, then well, there is no reason.

So join me in boycotting all those assholes with their dumb ad campaigns, including Net-Zero and the damn King of Beers. Print or commercial, you should all go to hell.

In Other News:

It was brought to my attention last night that my friend, "MFDC" for short, will be recording and engineering some new tracks for the one and only Kelly Clarkson.  Thats right, one of the many horrible warblers from American Idol.  Good luck, and may the Force be with you.  I can't wait to read all about the agonizing details (www.dancerta.com).  Word up.

-over and out-

The Apple Maggot strikes again

As an aside, this is how you know you are meant to be with the one you are with. 

Fer calls me to check in and mentioned he updated his site (kcshow.com) with new picts and such since I've been on leave. I say, word up, I will so go and check it out.  And for your fyi, there is a new post on my site (to see if I could draw this peaches thing out of him).

So, I read the new update on the kcshow, and sure enough, there is mention there of Fer's apple maggot past. He had no idea what I was writing about today, we were both updating at the same time, and we both were talking about his apple obsession. weird. AND WHY IS HE EATING THE PRECIOUS PEACHES?

For reals this time, -over and out-

My Precious

I have been going through this major peaches phase.  It was Strawberries for awhile, Fer was constantly taking me to Eat Well, our neighborhood diner for french toast w/TONS of Strawberries and turkey sausage. Now, its peaches. I want one every morning when I wake up.  So, thinking, I may be in hospital by the end of the week (who knows) I bought just enough peaches to get me through the weekdays. However, I open the fridge today only to find... SOMEONE ELSE HAS BEEN EATING MY PEACHES.  I live with an apple maggot, apples are totally his thing. He could eat like 10 apples a day and not even blink.  supposedly, when he was a child, he would sit at his piano and line the apple cores across the top as he practiced.  Daily. And yet, the peaches are disappearing from my house. THE PEACHES ARE GONE. BRING ME MY PRECIOUS.

I will go and remedy this situation today, apparently those yummy Fugi's I bought were not enough. Nor were the grapes, and I see the banana's have not been touched.  Interesting.

In Other News:

Lilah is also starting to turn on me. She is becoming just as impatient as everyone else waiting for Baby. I saw it in her eyes this morning when we got up.  She's all lookin at me like, what on EARTH are you still doing home?  Don't you like have a job or something?  Where is this Baby thingie you keep talking about like its candy, I want to taste it.  Your GH watching is totally getting in the way of my barking at the mailman and chewing my Butt on the couch.  I have been chewing my Butt on the couch for YEARS now, and you think being home is going to make me stop?  You're ruining everything, go away.
Seriously, she is SO saying that to me.

-over and out-

Some Kind of Monster

Some kind of monster. I think it describes everything so well. It's like a catch all and thank you, James Hetfield, for my new favorite saying. The new Metallica documentary was great. Even if you are not a big fan of them, I think it would be good movie. It's amazing to see a band, around for 20 years, having to go through therapy, rehab, and some other amazing transformations to be able to continue their journey. Being in a band seems very much like marriage. When you stop working at it, it usually falls apart. You wake up one morning and realize you have no clue who these people are you spend most of your life with. Crazy. Well, all that and there is something totally sexy about James's snarly demeanor, goatee, rough skin and blue eyes. For being a dark whitie, I always seem to like them Aryan.

Some Kind of Monster also describes what seems to have invaded our computer, thank you Dell. Because although the system did not crash (this time) everything is VERY PICKY about what it will or won't run, what I can and cannot view. Awesome. I LOVE computers.

Lilah is also, today anyway, some kind of monster. We are currenly having a battle of the wills over her being able to bark at the Mailman. I am so over it. Its like a normal dog thing and all, but I can't stand it anymore. I want quiet, and I will get it.

In Other News:
For all of you out there and counting, I am 39 weeks preggers today. Every day is a wait and see game. I have another check-up tomorrow, and my Mum comes out here on Friday if nothing happens before then. (and I don't think it will). Closer.

Sleestacks, I listened to The Killers. I dig the kinda 80s euro vibe. At points Duran Duran, The Cure, The Smiths and like some new wave thrown in for good measure. Song #4 is my fav so far. Word.

On that note, -over and out-

The Biggest piece of shit I have ever purchased...

Dear Dell,

You are an asshole. I know you are a company, but for the purpose of this post, and so that i may more clearly direct my anger, you are now 1 person in my mind, and i hate you. I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life, and I want to kill you. Seriously. You make pieces of fucking crap and sell them with no problem, to unassuming people who really only want a computer to be able to do online banking, blogging and random emailing. Oh, and for storing digital photos. Is a working, non-crashing hard drive that too much to provide with your sleek black system? I mean, its not like i am running programs that require a lot of work on your part. I mean the shittiest computer should be able to handle the internet. For christ-sakes, we even have DSL. I really don't think its too much to ask for a machine that does not crash every 6 months. You better not have some asshole who can't understand my Engligh answer your phone anymore either, because I am THIS CLOSE to calling the better business bureau. And, if i ever find your location, i may just bring this crap with me and slam you on the head with it.

Sincerely,
Nono, Bad dao
The Angriest Woman in Los Angeles

In Other News...

I missed GH today because I spent my day hanging around Los Angeles with Grandy and Amie. Mani-pedi's in the midmorning and shopping for the last details of my dreaded hospital bag (so that Fer can stop telling me that i REALLY NEED TO FINISH THAT ALREADY). Yesterday's GH was good though, I really think this time Carly & Sonny are gonna work it out and that slut Sam is on her way to jail. All is right with the world.

-over and out-

The Beginning and the End...

So, today is the first day of my Maternity Leave.  Last night, to celebrate and wind down after 2 days of stressful, painful work, I layed in my air-conditioned bedroom, ate Summer Berry Pie (from Whole Foods, all organic, all natural, preservative-free) A'La Mode (with Haugen-daz French Vanilla, 1 scoop) and watched movies from Netflix (my best friend in the whole wide world) until Midnight.  Then I slept till 10am. Awesome. I am SOOOOO taking advantage of the whole sleep thing while I can, because any day now I could become a zombie.

On the movie note, this week I have watched Along Came Polly (Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston) and Secret Window (Johnny Depp, John Turturo sp?)  Neither one really made me happy. They both passed the time, but like, I have seen Ben Stiller act like an ass now a million times, and the toilet overflowing is now in EVERY MOVIE HE DOES, so like, I am so over him.  Besides, my REAL boyfriend is Vince Vaughn, and he is so the funnier of the 2 anyway. Its the only reason to see Dodge Ball, I love that dry wit.

But I digress.

Secret Window was so predictable, stupid and lame for a movie based on a Steven King short story or whatever it was, and I was appalled with the way Johnny Depp was totally not used to their advantage.  I mean, he could have played that roll so much more intense. Instead it was like watching a shadow of Johnny. What a waste. John Turturo is scary no matter what. That guy is a weirdo.

In Other News...

Down to the last few Dr. Visits before baby.  Yesterday was my 38 week check-up and the Dr pressed down on my belly in a million ways to see where Elliott was using the available space to her advantage.  To say it was uncomfortable would be an understatement.  Where he pushed, something was smushed and I just DO NOT HAVE ANY EXTRA ROOM FOR THINGS TO BE SMUSHED! I AM SMUSHED TO COMPACITY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?  I think he got it when I was like, Woah, ugh, huh, wow, that's like, um, REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Are you trying to push her out now?

Ok, that's it, almost time for GH, got to make a sammich and get back into the sweet-ass air-conditioning.
-Over and out- 

Blue Moon

So, the countdown is officially on.  My Mother- in-Law, Val, is CONVINCED the baby will arrive on July 31.  I am inclinded to agree with her, since it has been statistically proven that more babies are born surrounding the full moon, and since this full moon is the 2nd of the month it's the rare Blue Moon and how cool would that be to tell your child they were born on a blue moon. Sweet right?
 
This weekend was a whirlwind of hanging out and parties.  We covered a LOT of Los Angeles ground.  Saturday was an afternoon wedding, then a Karaoke party that night, at which I believe I consumed a beef hotdog, (ugh) and paid MAD CONSEQUENCES for that action. Apparrently Ellie is not keen on the beef either. Damnit. I recovered quickly enough and last night went to a BBQ on the West Side, at which, Charming Charlie quoted that labor should not be so bad as in his mind.... "Its like taking a shit... a big shit... a big living shit... out of your vagina."  Awesome Charlie, Awesome.
 
In other news:
 
This could very well be my last few days of work. Another Dr. appt tomorrow will let me know if I get the final work release so that I can go home and take care of all the "nesting" that I want to do, but have no time for.  Well, that and the daytime television... General Hospital here I come. And anyway, can you even believe that Sonny is the father of Sam's baby but Carlie has not figured it out? And HOW ON EARTH can they buy the fact that it's Jason's?  Please people, do not insult our intelligence.

Alarm Clocks are dangerous territory

Much like a toothbrush, Alarm clocks are not to be messed with. Seriously. I have a plan of action, I know what time it's set for on purpose, even if that time is not the time at which I choose to rise. Now, I am not one of those to hit snooze a million times before waking to the harsh realization of another day at work, I like to wake up, turn it off, lay down for a moment, and then turn on the news. KTLA morning news to be exact. Its the one that irritates me the least.  They do the weather and traffic every 15 minutes and the rest of the stories are like "light news". And really, who needs serious at 6:50am. I mean really.  Then I get my bowl of cereal, sit back in bed to eat it, watch until Carlos heads into "Sports Stuff" at 7:25 and THEN I get up and enter the shower. Because, again, who really needs recaps of sports crap, even if I did like them.
 
Anyway, Fer, having been headed off to this week of conferences later than his usual departure time, has taken it upon himself to turn my alarm clock off without notifying me. Thats right. No words, no nudge, no hey, get up your alarm is going off. He just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed. Now, normally I am a "princess and the pea" kind of sleeper.  However, thanks to 8 million trips to pee in the middle of the night, along with fully waking up to use all my available strength to roll this big-ass belly over to another side, come 5:30 am I fall into the type of slumber that people only reference in fairy tales. We are talking some Rip Van Winkle type shit.  
 
So,  I do not find it fair then, that my morning routine, set up over months of practice with this heavy load and lack of "rushing power"  is thwarted, and now, "She who must not be rushed" becomes "she who is not rushing and is therefore 25 minutes late to work 2 days in a row", making everyone at work think I have become "She who has now gone into labor."
 
On behalf of everyone, Thanks Fer.
 
In Other News...
 
In case you were wondering about the toothbrush comment, messing with someone else's toothbrush is a one-way ticket to the gates of hell. Do it sometime and you will see what I mean.
 
In addition:  Was it or was it not Tom Cruise on The Lot yesterday while we were eating lunch. My money is on the fact that it was, I saw him, clearly checked him out from both sides, and heard him talk. Its a distinguishable voice. Now what I am thinking, is that he employees "decoys" like Madonna, Esther, or whatever her name is these days, and that said decoy was there upon our leaving, probably because he was sick of being stared at. Maybe this is too much of a conspiracy theory, but he IS a Scientologist and stranger things have been known to happen.

Random, but still somewhat relevant

To steal a title from Grandy, today's thoughts are all over the road, but all relevant. At least I think they are.

So, Princess Mombi, pretty princess that she is, decided that I was not doing her cab ride story justice, and has detailed her version here: www.princessmombi.blogspot.com if you are so inclined. Its quite amusing.

Next, I was on my way to Hollywood & Highland last night with Grandy for some Cold Stone Icecream, and was shaken to my core with a billboard that we encountered: Bold and Bright, advertising THE TONY DANZA SHOW! New talk show to begin Sept. 13th.

Whose bright idea is this? Why does he still have THE SAME HAIRCUT as when he was on Whose the Boss? What is our world coming to? They cancel that huge-toothed singing jackass Wayne Brady, only to think what middle American housewives want is Tony-Freaking-Danza? I think not. No one wants to hear, "Aye-Oh, Samanta!" anymore. I am POSITIVE of this. Do not question me.

I am just so....disappointed.

In Other News:

Today is going to be a long, hard day, I can feel it in my bones. Maybe I should have gone to bed earlier rather than chatting like a school-girl with Grandy until way past my bedtime, but it HAD been weeks since we spent time just chatting, and sometimes these things just need to be done.

I have a million more thoughts this morning, many more things to discuss but I think I will close for now, gain some more perspective, and see what bubbles to the top.

-over and out-

Only in Akron

So my sister "Princess Mombi" IMs me the other day, telling me of this crazy night she had partying it up in Akron with this girl who we used to ride the bus with in gradeschool (we'll call her Red). Responsible Woman that she is, she refuses to do the "curb & swerve" home, so they share a cab. (At this point I should mention that I never even knew there were cabs in Akron.)

Having some drunken discussion about being younger sisters, this conversation seems to ensue:

Red: "Everyone always says my sister is so hot"
Princess Mombi: "OH MY GOD! That's the story of my life! My sister is the legendary DAO!" (DISCLAIMER: I was only legendary for the fact that I had a shaved head and a tattoo at 17)
Cabbie's 2 cents: "You're Dao's sister? She was hot! I went to college with her!"

Now I need to know a few things:
1. Where on EARTH do conversations like this really happen?
2. Who did I go to college with that now drives a CAB in AKRON?
3. Why do I find this whole transaction so hilarious?

In Other News:
While I am hopefully getting my eyebrows done tonight to prevent becoming Colin Farrell's twin, the Fabulous Fer will be gallivanting at SPAGO for dinner with his work peeps after a day of meetings at the Regency Beverly Wilshire Hotel. How hard is his life huh? Rub those elbows with celebrities Fer, rub rub.

Can you guess where this quote comes from? "Write it down Kit!" "Reg Bev Wil, Got it!"

Welcome to Carter's Baby Emporium!

I started to feel the first pangs this weekend of my life as Dao slipping away and my life as Mommy entering the picture. I think I decided that I want to spend the rest of this pre-baby time eating out and hanging with friends, before there are hands to be wiped, dirty diapers... you know, Needing, needing, needing. Something needs cleaned, picked up, tended to, played with.

Not that I am complaining, but I see it in the distance, and there is only 3 weeks to go until I become Mommy, so I might as well enjoy Dao for as long as I have it. Right?

In other news....
I am hoping against hope that there is only 1 Elliot born into my family. If there ends up being 2, I think its rude, since I did get knocked up first. Traditional or not, we picked it, we are the winners. (or Wieners as my family likes to say, and we are probably both).

So the poll begins, What spelling of Elliot Rose/ Elliott Rose do you prefer? Is one more feminine than the other?

The Joys of Maternity Leave

Now that the birth of the creature I have been housing is imminent, I am reveling in the notion of my impending maternity leave. I know that its not going to be a vacation, it will be the opposite in fact, but I maintain a calm about it all knowing that I did indeed sign up for this. I knew what I was getting myself into before I got "knocked up", and therefore, I am as prepared as you can be for jumping off a building with no safety net.

The true joy of my maternity leave comes from knowing that I will not have anymore work bullshit to deal with for a number of months at least. I may come back to a tornado having ripped through my desk, but so be it. In the meantime I will NOT have to put up with whiny, annoying, know-nothings that are too timid to stand up for themselves and look for others to share in their pain, help them deal with the crap of work.

In other news:
I would like to establish these few points for everyone once and for all:
1. My due date is Aug. 3.
2. It's fine, I am fine, the baby is fine, and I am not going to just "POP"
3. I am not the first woman to be pregnant and birth a child, so please stop acting like it.

-Over and out

Here I am ,

At the doorway of the Darkside, and it feels good. Better than I thought actually. Who knows what this will become, but I know that Sleestacks thinks its funny as hell....

I am now officially a "blogger". Whatever will become of me.